I have not updated in a while. Nor have I been completing my goals. I seem to have a weak will these days. a lack of motivation to do things. my body finally recovered from working at metro. no more aches, legs not killing me anymore. no more blisters on my feet. i wonder how long that will last. but in the meantime i guess i can finally recover my body and build it up again.

These last few days i've been in the classroom relearning a lot of things. very. very. boring. still work 5 days a week. spending much time on the train. w. much time to reflect about my life. i honestly hate my life right now. i hate how weak and pathetic i gotten both physically and mentally. What i really want right now is a passion to do something. anything. just a strong passion to pursue a skill, or whatever. at least complete something. but it is hard to do when everything does seem so pointless. all my schemes to get rich never seems to work out. i guess i lost tons of money because i was too chicken to invest more into stocks when i had the chance. should i continue to invest? i dont know.

i remember an exercise that the elementary teacher wanted us to do. write down what you want to be 20 years from now. or something along tohse lines. i would say i'm getting there. so. what. was it. i guess it was work in a nice office, make lots of money, etc. haha. i guess i didnt receive a single thing i wanted as a kid. but then again, values do change. i don't want a office job. though.. i guess it would be pretty nice. and do i want a lot of money? i guess. money is always good. but though i always talk about getting rich. i don really value money. i mean there is just nothing else to do with my time at the moment. and having extra money never hurts. i remember in high school all i wanted was a girl. to make that individual the happiest on earth. and that would be my goal in my life. to live for someone else. now. i dont know anymore. maybe, i've become more selfish. or maybe i just stopped caring about everything. but now i really dont know what i really want to do with my life. and as i get into this routine of work, every night before my sleep i'd scream in despair into my pillow. another year of work. work. work. night shift. adjusting. spending hours on the train. coming home exhausted. lose weight. nothing. ever. changing. and then whats even worse. its a wash rinse and repeat. since hospital is where i will be... for probably years. this will keep repeating. and repeating. and repeating. and i don't want it to be like where i'll just work work work save. save. live in brief moments and die at the end. i need to find a way to escape from this life. why is it. that we work all our lives and save. for some shit end. but yet. even though i say this. i am doing nothing different to alter my future. what. can. i do. to change my future. to escape this work many days. w. few days of freedom.

I remember long ago when i went to church. something w. Adam and Eve. how they feel from paradise into earth. and yes i feel this is true. this world is always a fight between joy and sadness. enjoying life in brief moments with long long periods of stress, anger, despair. one can view the joy as a blessing to life, or a mockery. just there to make our long periods of unhappiness feel even worse. i know i'm not explaining this very clearly. but simply said. there can be no joy without the opposite. and you can figure out the rest from there. I am too afraid to live a life i want to live. too stupid to know how to pursue a life that i want. and too afraid to take a shortcut and just move on in life. hence i wish i've never been born. that is the ultimate lazy way out. and thats it for tonights rambo.